Weekly Update: 11-1-16 Getting in Touch with My Inner Sea Goat

I'm not a big believer in horoscopes, but they are fun, and I like to read them from time to time, especially when they say nice things about me. My birthday is January 2nd, which makes me a Capricorn, the legendary half-fish, half-goat, half-starchy-vegetable.

According to http://www.ganeshaspeaks.com/capricorn/capricorn-facts.action :

"The Capricorn-born people are the most determined of the entire Zodiac. The most prominent qualities of the Goats, as they are called, are that they are ambitious, conservative, determined, practical and helpful. They make good team leaders and organisers, because of their single-minded focus on their work, sense of responsibility and sincerity. They are perceived by people around them to be workaholics, unemotional and detached. Sometimes their negative qualities – suspicious, resentful, inhibited, pessimistic and stubborn – are seen clearly, but deep inside the Goat is a humble heart. They are soft, and their hard outer shells are meant to guard themselves against the hurt caused by rejection."
 

So there you have it. A personality, which runs almost completely counter to my Myers-Briggs type of INFP and is somewhat contrary to the typical image of a writer. And yet, I took a fiendish delight in googling "why Capricorns are awesome" and cherry-picking the best quotes to suit me.

So here is "My Top 5 Capricornisms Countdown (Plus a Bonus One)"

#5 

I think I can be a good listener and I do get asked for advice from time to time. As for putting people in their place.  Well... (smiles) I don't like to do it, but if I had to, I'd like to think I'd be damn good at it.

#4

I have high expectations for those around me. If someone says they can do something and shows a modicum of commitment, I am there. But whatever I expect of them, it's nothing compared to what I expect of myself. If I can't do it and do it well (if I can't set an example), then I have no right to expect it of anyone else.

#3

If someone I care about or someone I'm looking after (students, etc.) needs help, I will help. I cannot help it. If I perceive a problem and you invite me to fix it, damned if I won't try my hardest to fix it. That's why I can be the best or worse editor: I will put hours into noting and trying to fix every perceived mistake, and so you will get back manuscripts bleeding blue (my choice of pen color). This is great if you want to shore up your weaknesses, but bad if you wanted me to stamp it with my approval and move on. And for all this editing, I expect nothing. Heck, half the time, I don't expect people to even be grateful for it. I expect them to be horrified, angry, and defensive, because no one likes being criticized, even if it's done out of love.

#2

 If you need proof of my need to matter, check out my poem "Ode to All My Murdered Trees" on my website, which is my angst about my writing not making a difference. I work hard, because, in the end, I want to make a difference in the world.

#1

I interpret this to mean be the best version of yourself. It's not about being the best writer or the top student or the number one teacher--although I expect myself to write well, get good grades, and be pretty darned competent at teaching. That's subjective. But I try my best in everything I do, I give it my all, and I do not settle until I'm satisfied. That's part of my perfectionism, and it can have its dark side. But it also pushes me to achieve beyond what I may think I'm capable of. For better or worse, if I care about something, I can't not do my best. That's just how I am.

Bonus

Hee, hee, hee.  That one made me laugh.

Now Capricorns are apparently analytical, and I, for one, was not content to just enjoy the barrage of compliments I fished out for myself, no, I had to sit and ponder why I spent several hours of my Halloween gazing at these quotes, when heaven knows I should have been calling my parents, cleaning the kitchen, or preparing my notes for Nanowrimo.

 And then, I thought, maybe it's because of Nanowrimo that I suddenly found the need to look up Capricorn traits. After all, I don't care how many times I've done it or how high I've achieved in the past, every time, you attempt to write 50,000 words/ 200 pages in 30 days, it is hard! It is hard when you have literally no other job than writing and it is harder when you are balancing school, subbing, and a social life.

I like learning about my personality and understanding how my brain works, and most of the time I identify with Myers-Briggs type: INFP, the idealist/ healer/ sensitive/ creative/ artist. But then you do a google image search, and you get pictures like this:

I do not want to be a happy little flower, child I want to be a hard-working, high-achieving, so-productive-it's-scary, do-not-get-on-my-bad-side-or-I-will-destroy-you badass MONSTER! In short, I do not want to be seen as awesome because I'm nice and caring, I want to be seen as awesome because I GET STUFF DONE!

 And when I'm already slightly stressed because I've worked as hard as I can last week and barely got everything done, and this week, I will need to work even harder because this is the month where I achieve my goals or crash and burn, I want to see this:

Capricorns: Making the Impossible Look Easy

And be told this:

And this:

And believe this:

In short, I need to shore myself up emotionally, because I've got a long road in front of me and it's going to be bumpy!

Weekly Update: 10-13-15 Personality Types

After feeling my energy reserves drain away from the flurry of activity last week, I ended up taking Friday off and luxuriating in the freedom of doing nothing! In this case, "doing nothing" meant looking up Myers-Briggs Personality Types.

This could be considered research, in a way. After all, as a writer, I tend to be drawn to personalities and how people tick. I need to understand how my characters function and why they make the decisions that they make.

But who am I kidding? I was looking up stuff about my own type because it was fun.

The way it works is that you evaluate yourself based on two polar personality traits: Extrovert (E) versus Introvert (I), Sensor (S) versus iNtuitive (N), Thinker (T) versus Feeler (F), and Judger (J) versus Perceiver (F). You then put the four letters together and get your personality. In my case, I'm an INFP--Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeler, Perceiver, sometimes nicknamed as a Healer or Idealist.

"Healers (INFPs) present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. But inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. And their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community."

--David Keirsey, Please Understand Me II http://www.keirsey.com/4temps/healer.asp


None of this is all that new to me. My dad (who's an INTJ) had typed me as early as 6th grade. The first time I learned I was an extreme feeler and idealist, I cried, because it was such an awful, uncool thing to be. I wanted to be smart and tough, not emotional and wishy-washy. (By the way, anyone who suggests I'm stupid will get their nose snapped off, I'm telling you right now!)

Sometimes I still hate the way my tendencies keep me from doing more. As a Perceiver, for example, I like to play first, work later, and I struggle with discipline and organization. (Not that half my friends believe it; they think I'm hard-working and on top of things. Pah!)

I don't think of personality as being a destiny. You can improve your weaknesses. The problem is, it's hard. It chews away precious willpower and energy. When I'm working as a substitute, for example, I need to be a bit more extroverted (E) and disciplined (J) than I prefer. I feel like I can keep it up for a while, but when I get home, I collapse into a powder-puff heap.

Sometimes I'm so hard on myself for not being what I'm not, I don't really appreciate what I am. Does that make sense? I sort of undervalue my natural strengths and overvalue the qualities I don't have in abundance. For example, one time, a student came up and said she really appreciated how nice of a substitute I was, not like her teacher, who she thought was "scary." But I translated "being nice" as "being soft and easily taken advantage of" and secretly wished I could be one of those scary teachers.

After all, I am an INFP

But on the whole, I really like being who I am, because I get along with myself so well. When I read personality books, I think about how my mind ticks. I feel sad about my weaknesses (impractical, takes things personally, hard to get to know), but I feel grateful for my strengths (open-minded and flexible, very creative, passionate and energetic). It makes me ponder how others see me and how I see myself.

If you want to know your type, this quick free test is useful: http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test